The Other Side of Wounding
In Christian culture, we attempt to practice biblical principles in conflict resolution. Sometimes it works well, and at other times, it seems to backfire.
We have found there are a few layers of conflict resolution that many Christians conflate, and it can be helpful to pull apart each layer to address biblically, rather than assume they are each the same. For example, when someone is hurt or offended, they have to make choices about forgiveness, reconciliation, and trust.
Forgiveness
Scripture appears to be clear and consistent that we are called to forgive everyone unconditionally for all offenses and abuses. Still, many Christians struggle with whether or not they have forgiven someone. Sometimes this is because forgiveness can be a process rather than an isolated event. Some question if they have truly forgiven others, because feelings of wounding or betrayal pop up occasionally in the future. The Psalms appear to validate that we can feel past betrayals and woundings in the present without necessarily sinning or it being a sign of unforgiveness. There are a number of examples of the psalmists sharing their feelings of betrayal and wounding with God about all sorts of past offenses and attacks. This may bring some relief to you if you still struggle with these feelings while having forgiven the person for the offense. Scripture doesn’t warn us against having these feelings; it warns us against moving toward bitterness and resentment. This is the biblical clarity of sinfulness. To summarize, feeling past wounds and betrayals is not sinful in itself or necessarily a sign of unforgiveness. If we take these feelings of wounding to the Lord in prayer, lament, and wrestling, there is something redemptive occurring. If we allow these feelings of wounding to lead toward resentment and bitterness, then we have moved into sin, and we need to confess and repent, not of the wounded feelings, but of the resentment and bitterness.
Reconciliation
It is possible to forgive without being reconciled to the person who offended us. Reconciliation depends on a few factors, including if the offender is genuinely repentant, makes amends, wants to reconcile, and is at low risk of severe harm. It also depends on our desire to reconcile, ability to sustain offenses, refusal of revenge, forgiveness, and trust that the offender is truly repentant and reasonably able/willing to no longer harm/offend.
It can be helpful to separate forgiveness from reconciliation, which can free us up to forgive fully without fear of having to reconcile. Another helpful way to think about reconciliation is to see it as a continuum. We can reconcile to differing degrees with different people; therefore, we can consider what is “enough” reconciliation with this person. This is particularly pertinent when a power differential exists between the offender and the offended or when the offense is severe, abusive, or threatening.
Trust
Trust is helpful in order to reconcile more fully with someone. We typically need to have adequate trust they will no longer engage in the offensive or harmful behavior. We also need to have some trust in their intentions. Human behavior usually has some discrepancy between intention and impact. This can be in positive ways, like when we are trying to express love or appreciation. Our intent may be tremendous, but we may struggle to have the impact we had hoped on the other person. The discrepancy can also be negative. For example, it is possible to harm someone when we had no or little intention of doing so, like sharing a secret or a confidence with someone else that leads to others finding out. Trust is usually developed when the offended believes the offender understands and accepts responsibility for their impact and does not seek to defend or justify their intentions. It also helps when the offended believes the offender is able to steward their intentions and demonstrate growth toward aligning their impact with their non-harmful intentions.
Conclusion
If you struggle with some of the practical aspects of discerning the difference between forgiveness, reconciliation, and trust or how to decide when to reconcile or trust, check out the resource The Other Side of Wounding. This resource provides process questions for you to consider as you move toward a decision of how much to reconcile or trust others. If you are in a position that is responsible for others resolving their conflicts or moving toward reconciliation, you can also use this resource as a tool to help discern what would be appropriate for each particular situation.
If you would like to discuss these principles with a counselor, click Start Now, and you will be paired with a counselor.
Curtis, LPC, LMHC, the author of this article, is Valeo’s Executive Director
